my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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