Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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