dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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