Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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