Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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