standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
