Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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