I love black thongs
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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