i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
