No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
