Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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