I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
