dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
