the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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