btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We need a shit load of segways right now
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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