I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
