It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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