just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize