Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
So apparently I’m into choking now
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
