i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
