So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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