Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
so let's talk penis.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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