He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
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