You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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