The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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