Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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