Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
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