i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
