if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
