you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
