i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
