he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
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Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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