rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
