i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
