and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
