I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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