I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
