I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
