shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
