I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
