I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
