Will you blow on my dice?
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
