Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
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Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
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And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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