He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
