I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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