He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
