You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize