Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
