it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
