the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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