I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
