somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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