i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
