My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
