Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
