Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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