Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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