checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
