he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
